Tuesday, May 04, 2004

I've spoken a lot about The One over the last month or so (how long have I been doing this? Just how interested are you, really?)... so I think now may be the time to tell you my theory of The Anti-One. It's a good theory.

So it's important that you believe in The One, that you believe that somewhere out there is the yin to your yang, the Priscilla to your Elvis, the Nancy to your Sid... for if you don't then life becomes too chancy, too unpredictable, too random to leave any hope. Even if you never meet your One - you still have to believe The One is out there, somewhere, thinking about you.

Some meet their One at school, or University, or as toddlers in playgroup. Some meet their One incredibly early in life... and they're the really lucky ones. Most people who are going to meet their One do so after a few Other (lesser) Ones, and that's normal. Some meet their Anti-One first (the Anti-One always comes first - for after The One there's never anyone else) - and they're the unlucky ones. (Some never meet their One - but you can guarantee they'll have met their Anti-One: and they're the unluckiest of all.)

So who is the Anti-One? Well, if The One is the one you're made for, the one you're destined to be with... then the Anti-One is the one you think is The One - but turns out to be the one who fucks you up. If The One is the person who lifts you up, the Anti-One is the person who breaks your heart. If The One shows you just how amazing life can be, the Anti-One shows you just how cruel it can be too. If The One becomes your very definition of love... the Anti-One can make you believe that love is just a lie all along.

What separates the Anti-One from just being another failed relationship is that the Anti-One is the one you are CONVINCED is actually The One. It's only when you find out just how wrong you are... that you find out just how wrong you are.

I met my Anti-One years ago. She fucked me up. I would have married her; I was stone in love with her, blinded with love for her... and she fucked me right up. Worse, she didn't care she fucked me up. The One (by which I mean my The One, the girl I'm in love with right now) had her Anti-One about the same time, weirdly. She nearly did marry him. Life's strange like that. Sliding doors, etc.

Chances are, if you're of a similar age and live a similar life (though perhaps with a little less red wine, Guinness and general narcissistic reflection), you've met your Anti-One too. Perhaps you're still in love with your Anti-One, perhaps your heart still makes a little tragic leap of pain and joy when you hear the Anti-One's name, or see a similar face. It's a bitch - but now you've got a theory about it, now you've got an explanation, you can see it's all as random and magical as meeting your One. It's just UNLUCKY, that's all.

Why am I explaing all this to you? Two reasons:
1. I told someone else's blog I would do and he sounds like he needs a break.
2. Hey - I'm reaching out and making a difference. It's good to share, kids.
3. There is no 3. (From now on I'm resolved to end all lists like this. There's a Californian chick to thank for that.)

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